Reasons I’m single

I am a fierce, strong, independent lady who don’t need no man!

But… it would be nice to have someone call besides my mother while I’m walking home from work. Not that I don’t love my mother, she’s my best friend in the whole world. But she’s a really important lady, being principal of a school and sometimes she’s like, “hey, Em, I have work to do, can I call you back?”  And then I’m left walking home talking to myself, or listening to an audiobook, or stopping to say hi to every dog that passes. See the problem?

I think I have figured out why it is that I’m single. I have too many rules. I’m going to list some for you.

  • He can’t be too short. Not because I’m shallow, but because I’m a giant at 5’8.
  • He can’t be too young, because I’m mildly immature and that would be too much.
  • He can’t be too religious, because religion is confusing for me.
  • He can’t be a vegetarian, because I’m a vegetarian and I don’t want to be part of an annoying vegetarian couple.
  • He can’t be too nice, because I’m a little mean and I need someone to verbally spar with.
  • He has to be educated, because I like to use big words.
  • He has to be creative, but not an artist, because I’m an artist and I hate competition.
  • He had to like animals, because I’m a crazy animal person who plans to overrun my home with pets. That thing about talking to dogs on my way home was not hyperbolic.
  • He should not be into winter sports, like skiing and snowboard, because snow makes me furious.
  • He might get points if he has blue eyes, because I have blue eyes and I’d like my babies to inherit that.
  • He needs to have endless patience, because I am kind of a lot to handle.

I could probably go on, but I should probably stop. Now, you would think that I am using this as a self assessment tool, but I’m not. I’m just going to finish this post and go back on Tinder where I’m going to look for boys to tell me how pretty I am.

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