One Step Forward, Two Steps Back 

I haven’t had anything to write about. I’ve been blocked and my headspace a void. But I’m trying to figure out life, my life, the impact of other lives on my life, the meaning of life, maybe?  

Today I had two conversations that were so perfectly juxtaposed that it felt like it couldn’t be coincidence. Let’s write about that.

I’ve been really lucky, like seriously lucky. I have been dealing with bulimia since I was twelve. That’s sixteen years of throwing up food before I digest it. Of course it hasn’t been sixteen years of non stop bulimia, I take breaks. I have never had a cavity, I have never had serious heart issues, I’ve never had any physical side effect of bulimia for sixteen years… until about two months ago, when I threw up blood. Twice. 

Anyway, I called my uncle, a gastroenterologist, and told him a few things. I told him I was bulimic. I told him that I had thrown up blood a while back. I told him that the last few months I have had crazy acid reflux and I told him that I got super sick last night after barely any alcohol. I am afraid I have a stomach ulcer. He prescribed me something and we’ll see what happens.  

About an hour later, I am showing a seven year old girl a picture of my ferrets and I said, “this is Caesar, I like him because he’s big and fat.” And she (obviously) responded with, “you mean like you?” A year ago that would have thrown me into a downward spiral of losing my mind, but today it didn’t. Today I just told her she was mean and walked away thinking about the placement of these two conversations. The first, admitting to my bulimia and owning the fact that I might have really screwed things up for myself physically and then directly after it listening to a child remind me of all the reasons I have this problem in the first place. 

Now, I don’t have a hard life. I actually have an amazing life, but I deal with even the slightest hardships in self destructive ways.  Maybe owning up to my flaws will help me resolve the issues, but I also need to remember to be stronger than mental illness. Today I walked away from my feeling of failure, my feeling of being imperfect. That was only today though, and hopefully someday I will feel proud of my flaws. 

Why are you here?

Funny you should ask, I’m here because I believe this is where the universe wanted me.  I would tell you that I read it in a fortune cookie on the same day that I finished reading a book by a blogger and then a friend texted me asking if I would read his blog while I was getting my future read by woman who saw the word blog in my palm, but only half of those things are true.  I might be a liar, but I will always tell you when I’m lying.  True story.

I believe there are really important life disclaimers you should know before getting involved with me, so here they are:

  • I am a summer specific boat captain… La Capitana if you will
  • I have two ferrets, Crash and Caesar, that bite my roommate and steal all my paper products (toilet paper, paper towels… Caesar is pulling a second roll of toilet paper up my stairs to hide in my dresser as I type this)
  • I am a teacher when I’m not a boat captain.  I teach high school English, which basically means I wrangle lunatics all day.
  • I am chronically single (this will appear in the next version of the DSM, I’m sure of it)
  • I have an anxiety disorder coupled with sporadic depression, a teeny bit of ADHD, and a mild eating disorder. I’m a little crazy, my mother had me tested.

Those are the facts that I feel are most prevalent, but since you already know that I have ADHD it’s possible that ten minutes after I publish this, I will remember something really important about myself that people should know.  Oh! How about the fact that I try not to exist without a trip planned in the near future.  I love to travel! Is that important?  Maybe not, but I would like you to expect stories of travel, past and future.

Well, good luck.  That was mostly to me, but also a little to you.