I haven’t had anything to write about. I’ve been blocked and my headspace a void. But I’m trying to figure out life, my life, the impact of other lives on my life, the meaning of life, maybe?
Today I had two conversations that were so perfectly juxtaposed that it felt like it couldn’t be coincidence. Let’s write about that.
I’ve been really lucky, like seriously lucky. I have been dealing with bulimia since I was twelve. That’s sixteen years of throwing up food before I digest it. Of course it hasn’t been sixteen years of non stop bulimia, I take breaks. I have never had a cavity, I have never had serious heart issues, I’ve never had any physical side effect of bulimia for sixteen years… until about two months ago, when I threw up blood. Twice.
Anyway, I called my uncle, a gastroenterologist, and told him a few things. I told him I was bulimic. I told him that I had thrown up blood a while back. I told him that the last few months I have had crazy acid reflux and I told him that I got super sick last night after barely any alcohol. I am afraid I have a stomach ulcer. He prescribed me something and we’ll see what happens.
About an hour later, I am showing a seven year old girl a picture of my ferrets and I said, “this is Caesar, I like him because he’s big and fat.” And she (obviously) responded with, “you mean like you?” A year ago that would have thrown me into a downward spiral of losing my mind, but today it didn’t. Today I just told her she was mean and walked away thinking about the placement of these two conversations. The first, admitting to my bulimia and owning the fact that I might have really screwed things up for myself physically and then directly after it listening to a child remind me of all the reasons I have this problem in the first place.
Now, I don’t have a hard life. I actually have an amazing life, but I deal with even the slightest hardships in self destructive ways. Maybe owning up to my flaws will help me resolve the issues, but I also need to remember to be stronger than mental illness. Today I walked away from my feeling of failure, my feeling of being imperfect. That was only today though, and hopefully someday I will feel proud of my flaws.