Shaving: A Cautionary Tale 

All good cautionary tales have a strong moral, so be looking for it. 

I am one of the lucky few who’s hair cooperates approximately 84% of the time. All hair, the hair on my head channels Beyonc√©’s I woke up like this and I have very fair hair on my legs and arms, so shaving is not something I deal with often. Thus this traumatic experience you’re about to hear. 

The last two times I shaved my legs, I lost so much blood I may or may not have needed a transfusion.  I didn’t, but I did leave two bloody towels in my wake. 

Murder Scene 1: Charlotte, North Carolina. I was there for a one night layover to meet my friend before we left for the Dominican Republic (great trip, everyone should go).  I figured I should probably shave my legs since I was going on a tropical vacation and it had been approximately 3 months since I pretended to care about the hair on my legs (read: chronically single) i come out of the bathroom with a towel tied around my leg because I cut my ankle shaving. Blood everywhere. I laughed it off, went to sleep with the towel around my leg and woke up. My friend laughed at me and told me I was a hazard to myself, which is fairly accurate. 

Murder Scene 2: Queens, New York. I am getting ready to go to a wedding, it’s three weeks after the first ankle murder and I DID IT AGAIN! To the OTHER ankle! This time I shaved about four inches of my leg off and I was trailing blood across my apartment! It took all my manuevoring skills not to bleed all over my ferrets! My roommate yelled at me for being an idiot, and I had to bandage up my ankle at the wedding so I also looked like an idiot.

For the record, both of these times I was using a brand new razor, so it was sharp and dangerous. I have been shaving my legs for a lot of years now, how did this happen two times in a row? My sister just broke her ankle and needdd surgery so maybe I wanted a sympathy scar? I don’t know, all I can tell you is that wearing my high top Vans really sucks, I don’t have socks high enough to protect my pathetic reminder that I might be a thirteen year old again. Cutting myself shaving – really?! 

Anyway, have you figured out the moral yet? No? Here it is: 

If you’re 28 and still can’t shave your legs without bleeding, you are exempt from this task forever. 

Also I included a picture of my bloody leg for all to enjoy. No ferrets were harmed in the taking of this picture.